LaKeesha Jackson (lakeesha) wrote in neo_goths_suck,
LaKeesha Jackson

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This was a funny that I "ganked" from someone else:

And some of yous KNOW I "gank" stuff and post it everywhere else! Anyway, I DID give credit to the author of this one:

Join a "goth" group & get noticed: (From somewhere else of course!)
This is a funny this guy wrote about internet "goth" groups:

Ruined Saint

</span> Posted:  16 Feb 2007, 11:46 AM
When joining a Goth group, it's for one reason: To get noticed by the Goths for how Gothy you are, of course!

And you want to be the goth-est of them all, right? Because that whole pecking-order thing they have in high school is exactly the way it is on MySpace as well as Real Life (just as seen on The Real World... "Real life", "real world", get it?).

So here are some tips to help you distinguish yourself from the pack.

1. Poetry. If you're a girl, use sexual undertones that hints at being a lesbian or at least bi-sexual (important: write nothing in actual discussion to indicate that you have an interest in sex at all; asexual and androgyny are all-important). If you're a small guy, write about depression, sorrow, misery and suicide. If you're a big guy, talk about battle, pain, wounds (infections a plus), demons and damnation. Pay attention to spelling and grammer; bad is good, horrific is even better. (This last part applies to all forms of written communication, btw. Especially school reports and notes for your parents.)

2. Screen Name. Nothing screams "I'm Gother than Thou" better than an all-empowering Gothic screen name. Names like Akasha, Lestat, and Loius will get you noticed by the Vampire crowd; so will using names and terminology from any White Wolf game or (if you prefer Dungeons & Dragons) the Ravenloft setting. Also, Drow names from any of the Driz'zt books fit in nicely. If you don't want to catch the attention of Vampires, go more for the mello-dramatic. Names incorporating raven (alternative spelled ravyn, raevon, and the like), moon (luna, loon, loony), or magic (magick, magik, majique) are good eye-catchers and always get noticed for their originality. If you're feeling highly creative, go with something implying murder or suicide. If you're a Mansonite, try something grotesquely obsene (like "Puss-Dripping Male Orgasm").

3. Avatar. The bloodier, the better. Bonus points for suicide or mutilation. Automatic winner if it's of yourself in an actual real-life situation.

4. The Scene. Don't believe the hype. Clubs are for lame people that are old enough to drink, when it's no longer "cool". And since when has Goth had anything to do with dancing? The real scene is at the mall, sometimes at a friend's house closest to the school when ditching class, and involves sneaking into the parent's liquor cabinet. Real Goths are no older then 20; everyone over 21 are just a bunch of old fuddy duddies. I mean, really; most of them have jobs. How lame is that?

5. Music. Evanescence is the greatest Goth band. Ever. HIM is a close second. As for Metal, there are two kinds. If it has loud screaching guitars, wicked bass, pounding drums, and is found in your parents music collection, it's called "Heavy Metal"; it's not Goth, it's music for old people. If, however, it has loud screeching guitars, wicked bass, pounding drums, and is found in your own music collection, it's called "Gothic Metal"; it should be listened to constantly on cheap stereos with shitty speakers in order to better piss off your parents. And always talk about these bands. Again and again. They're as important to Goths as Britney Spears is to, well, kids before they become Goths (so those old skills you learned in 6th grade have some new uses). Important Tip: Any music older than yourself is referred to as "Classical" and has no relevance; Sisters of Mercy are just as annoying as Bach and Wagner, and there is no real difference between Siouxsie and Cindy Lauper. If you don't know who these people are, don't worry about it; Real Goths don't care about this shit and should rudely announce so whenever they are mentioned just to show off how Goth you are.

6. Clothes and Make-Up. Hot Topic is your friend. Romanticism is out. Chicks should look cheap and trashy; guys should look ghoulish and horrific. Think Return of the Living Dead; that's way more Goth than Dracula.

7. Hit-List. Nothing more fun than writing up a fantasy Hit-List, imagining which of your teachers and fellow students would look sweat at the receiving end of an uzi. Post it publicly; brag about it constantly. (Of-Line Tip: Walk through the school halls looking pissed off humming Shit List by L7.)

8. Goth-er than Others. To be the Gothiest of them all, you must think like the Gothiest of them all. Not just think it, but act it. Brag about it constantly. Treat everyone else like a bunch of wannabe posers. Especially the Goths old enough to drink; most of them a sell-outs that don't even listen to Slipknot.

9. Profile. Step 1, lie about your age so that MySpace doesn't give you a "minor" profile. Then, set your profile to private. Nothing screams "Rebellious Goth" better than a displayed age that says "I lied to get a public profile but then set it to private anyways for the mystery factor". Bonus points for having an angst-ridden image in your Quote section for all to see.

10. Self Harm. Real Goths don't bother with this nonsense; Cutting is for little emo wimps. Real Goths throw themselves from 5th story windows with about 20' of rope at least 1 hour before turning 21 (so you never have to experience a single moment of life as a sell-out fuddy duddy old person in search of meaningful employment). Bonus points if the other end of the rope is attached to the "ball end" of a horizontal flag pole.

Follow these 10 rules, and you will receive automatic recognition and praise from your fellow Real Goths. The poseurs might call you a loser, but who cares about them, right? Most of them probably read for fun...!!
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