On Shaving Eyebrows

So, I've come to this conclusion:

Eyebrows keep sweat from pouring down your forehead and directly into your eyes.  Thus, if you already wear more eye-liner than is considered appropriate at the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority house on any day other than Halloween, natural eyebrows are going to be really useful if you have tendencies to sweat by doing things like, oh, dancing really enthusiastically to Specimen or, say, having sex.

There are two basic kinds of people at any Goth night, regardless of the sub-genre:  Dancers and drinkers.  Sometimes there is overlap, actually, a lot of the time there is overlap, but since alcohol dehydrates, if you're a hardcore dancer, you probably buy a bottled water when you get there and refill it in the bathroom for the rest of the night.  If you are an inexperienced drinker, rock-stupid dancer or it's your twenty-first birthday, you'll probably try to pull off both during the course of the evening, but unless you're a filthy liar, you can't pull off both for very long.

You know I'm right.

At Goth clubs, there are drinkers and there are dancers.  Everybody who says they are both is either unseasoned, stupid or celebrating.  Sometimes a combination of two or all three.  Usually all three.

So here's how shaving off your eyebrows works:

When you shave off your eyebrows, whether you draw them back on or not, chances are you're not a dancer.  If you are a dancer, you're a really stupid one, or you wear no make-up at all and like the light sting of sweat in your eyeballs, or it's possible that you have this inhuman ability to just never break a sweat, ever — but this is unlikely, so chances are, if you're dancing with shaved eyebrows, you're really stupid or you're drunk, which essentially means you're both stupid and drunk.

After the club, there are two basic kinds of Goths:  Goths who get laid and asexual/celibate Goths.

If you are the latter, chances are that you have shaved eyebrows.  If you are the former, and you have shaved eyebrows, you're either a totally-on-your-back-style bottom or you're stupid.  Sweat will run down your face before it will fall off.  Condensation on a can of soda works the same way.  Get an ice-cold can of soda and wait for it to sweat.  Once that starts up, pick it up and tilt it toward yourself.  Maybe one or two beads of condensation will fall directly off of the can and onto your lap, but the rest of it will slide down the can first.  So if you're on top, and you have no eyebrows, I have one question for you:  How many times were you dropped on your head as a child?

So, in short, celibate/asexual drinkers are the only intelligent people who shave their eyebrows.  They probably look good, too, if only because they aren't attempting to dance and have their faces smeared all over half the club within an hour.